Your man wants to love you, and he wants you to feel his love for you. He wants you to be happy because of him and with him. If you aren’t feeling that from him, it’s not because it isn’t true. If he’s not showing that to you in an obvious way, there’s many-a-reason for it (and none of them have to do with you being unlovable!). For one, he may not consciously recognize how much he wants you to know it. He could have shoved down his awareness of that out of shame over not naturally knowing how to make it clear to you. And he may (like most of us in one form or another) have competing parts of him that make it hard to show his love in a way you can recognize as love.
See, we all have what I call the “wise brain” (we could even call this the heart), the part of us that wants to love freely and fully. But we ALSO all have the “primal brain”, the reactive part of us that acts out of fear (like fear of what others will think of us), pre-conditioned habits, and old hurts, in an attempt to protect us from physical or emotional pain. This part is more driven by quick fixes, instant comfort, and survival instincts than long-term fulfillment and true joy. It rears its head in us humans fairly regularly if we are not living with a whole lot of self-awareness…And even then, I promise, it will show up from time to time! So, even a man who is consciously and lovingly able to articulate how much he wants you to know he loves you, who wants to show it--even he will forget to live that out very often. Even he will sometimes be overtaken by this reactive part of him… My own husband, at his most conscious and relaxed moments, speaks clearly about how much he aspires to be an amazing partner to me and wants me to feel how much he loves me and desires my deep well-being. And still there are many times a week he does not live that out: he gets caught up in his urge of the moment, his pleasure-seeking of the moment, his reactive brain, or in the cascade of his own stressful emotions…
Then his desire to love me and show that to me is unable to show itself in a tangible way, in his words or actions (and he may show me, instead, frustration with me, or obliviousness to me and my desires.) So I could easily miss seeing his love for me --especially if I'm caught up in my own reactive brain! But I don’t miss it. Because I’ve trained my mind and heart to see it, and therefore FEEL it deeply.
So listen, if you focus on the times he’s not showing his care, if you take that at face value, you will miss out on all the care that is there, and the chance to know it, see it, and feel it like you deeply want to… Instead, to FEEL it yourself, start with these 3 things: 1) Make a choice to SEE that he’s loving you, right now, and wanting you to feel it, right now, in his own way. Maybe not in the way you expected, or the way that you think it should look. But loving nonetheless. Start assuming this is true and you just haven’t been able to see it clearly. (there are many reasons IN YOU, too, for this!). Think of this as putting on your He Loves Me Glasses. 2) If your brain needs a little help to see and feel it, actively go on a treasure hunt to collect clues, evidence that he wants you to know his love and be happy. It can be the tiniest thing. A, “How was your day?”, a “Need anything at the store?”, a smile when you part ways for the day… Important: Make sure to expand your definition of what his loving you might look like from beyond the one you currently have: His love and care might be easier for him to show through working hard to support you financially, bringing in the firewood, making your coffee in the morning, even getting defensive when you point out something he did wrong, because he feels misunderstood and WANTs you to see him as good…(that IS a sign he cares about you, if not a delightful one!) As you see the ways he is loving you, it will be easier to know he wants you to feel his love for you. Even if he can’t show it or say it. Of course he does. That's what we want when we love someone. 3) Get curious and ask yourself, “What might be going on for my man that would make it difficult to show his love for me consistently or even at all?”. Make sure you don’t make it about YOU, because it isn’t. When we really open up to being curious, we find that our own hearts can move into more lightness, more compassion and more clear-seeing of this human man we love. Which opens us to FEEL love. Which is what we want most to feel with our man. Try these things for a month and notice how your feelings change as you see his love for you more. Notice what changes in you, as you do!
P.S. Your ability to receive and feel loved actually has a lot LESS to do with him that it has to do with you.There are so many ways our brains and nervous systems block our ability to feel loved by the man who has chosen us as his life partner. If you are done with not feeling loved the way you want to, come coach with me. We will dissolve those blocks and open you wide to feeling cherished, valued, and loved. Learn more about and schedule your consult here.