In the world of relationship improvement, one term that gets used a whole lot is “needs”. If you are using it in your own mind or saying it to your partner a lot, it makes sense...you were taught to. Yet, framing things this way may NOT be helping your relationship: “I need more time with you,” or “ It’s just a need I have for you to speak to me more kindly”, or “My top need is to have a baby,” or, “ To feel loved, I need you to tell me that often.” Labeling such things “needs” sets you up for disempowerment. Because when he doesn’t do those things, it leads to you feeling victimized, super discouraged, or like he doesn’t care. In other words, it makes you feel helpless over your experience when your partner does not meet those “needs”. I truly want you to have what you most want in your relationship. To feel deeply fulfilled and connected, loved and in love. But using the term “needs” to get that experience is not only unnecessary, it will actually make it HARDER to have all that. (See the P.P.S. for a taste of this.) I know, this is opposite what you might have been taught --which was something like: we should have needs and exert them. If he doesn’t meet them, he’s not good for us. But oh my, does this lead to heartache and marriages going to hell in a hand-basket! Here's what WORKS (you will have so much more power and loving influence over your happiness in love if you read on to learn): Claim your desires-- to hear “I love you” often, to have a baby, to have more time with your honey, to be deeply listened to and kindly spoken to -- for what they are: WANTS. They are not NEEDS. You will survive without them. You could even be deeply happy without them. We just call them needs as a way to shrug off owning them as a desire-- because we don’t believe we are worthy of them otherwise!!! Using the term “need” is a way to scapegoat out of standing proud and firm in what you WANT.
But beautiful soul: You need no excuse so big as calling them a “need” to want such things!!!
You have every right to WANT these things just for the joy of it. You are worthy enough to WANT and to HAVE all this and more.
You have a right to want to be spoken to compassionately, to be listened to deeply, to be told you are beautiful and so loved--simply because you are HUMAN. You do not need to use the word “need” to make it easier to give yourself permission to want all that! You have permission just because you want it! Love yourself enough to allow yourself to want what you want. To be honest enough with yourself to admit you do not NEED these things. You want them, and that’s enough reason to have them. Value yourself enough to claim these things as WANTS. To ask for your WANTS. To stand for them. To learn how to call them in. To say no to your partner FOR them. And if it comes to it, value your own wants and happiness so much you are even willing to tell him “it’s this, or we part ways....It’s more empathy, it’s a baby, it’s a clean house, it’s more time with me, or I will move on." You are allowed to say no to being with someone who won’t deliver on your biggest wants. Deep WANTING is a good enough reason to go. (Just make sure you want the thing so badly that you are willing to give up something you want less. Then you’ll be able to leave with freedom instead of hurt and resentment.) I call these kinds of wants, Non-Negotiable WANTS. They are the bottom line. They matter more than staying with your particular partner. They are desires you do not WANT to live without. And when you know they are WANTS, and you so fiercely love and value yourself that you do not excuse them away as “needs”, you will be so much more powerfully effective at GETTING these things. You will go about bringing them into your life and inviting your partner to help bring them in with so much more love, with so much more integrity, so much more power. And do you know what a relationship built on all that feels like? The most honest, connected, respectful, genuinely loving one you can imagine.
With Love, Hannah P.S. Most of us women simply haven't been taught how to value ourselves and be on our own side in such a fiercely loving way as to be able to claim our desires in love as WANTS. But you can learn. You can learn to love yourself enough to give yourself permission to HAVE what you want in your relationship. Then you'll make what you most long for in love come to life. When you are ready to learn that deep in your bones-- and GET what you want in love -- come coach 1:1 with me. Get started by setting up a free consult call. Choose your time and apply here.
P.P.S. Not so sure reframing needs as wants will help you have more power to GET what you want in love? Experiment with it yourself: Think about something that you’ve thought you need from your partner in the past. How’s your body feel when you think, “I need it” ? (Graspy, tense, urgent, needy?) Now reframe it as a Non-Negotiable Want: Say to yourself, “This is something that I deeply want, and I value myself enough to give it to myself or work to create it in my life.” Feel how that feels. Notice the contrast between these two ways of framing things. Which one feels more empowering, stronger, and ultimately more loving to yourself? Which leads to you feeling more creative, lighter, more confident and bold? Which has you feeling and being more how you want to? That 's the state of being that will allow you to invite in the things you want in your love life.