Sometimes being pushy, assertive, bossy, and intense is just what the doctor ordered in your marriage. Hang on! This comes with some very big caveats…. so read all the way through. I was born with a bossy girl inside me. I used to want to beat her out of me. Because I saw that miss bossy-controlly-pushy-pants often ended up creating the opposite of what I truly wanted in my marriage: a lack of safety, closeness, and the warm-fuzzies. A shutdown or defensive husband. Distance. There is a lot of wisdom in not letting miss bossy pants run wild. But, as a normal human brain tends to do, I got overly black-and-white about it, believing that when it comes to love relationships, bossy pushiness is BAD, gentleness and kindness is GOOD in Relationships. Such a polarized view is rarely ever useful, and never “true”.
In noticing how effective my warmth, compassion and kindness was in my marriage, I failed to notice that my bossiness, my ferocity, the times I put my foot down, pointed out things he could improve upon, my bold assertions -- actually STRENGTHENED my marriage a lot, too.
My husband has shared with me that the bossy Hannah, the forceful, loud, assertive Hannah is not only welcome in our marriage, he appreciates that part of me and feels she’s made him more of who he wants to be!
Because, just like most every man out there, one of the things he most wants is to be a wonderful supportive partner who pleases me, who shows up the best he can in the ways that I most like in our marriage. Being that person is hero-work for him.
This is probably true for your man, too. Even if he isn’t making it obvious! (Check this out if you doubt me!)
Sometimes the best way to grow into the version of himself he mosts want to be is the same way human bones take their proper shape: by rubbing up against hard things. By being pushed and prodded, coming into contact with discomfort, rubbing up against YOUR will, desires, and keen pointed insights!
But THIS IS SO SO IMPORTANT: not without proper preparation of the nest, the container.
Meaning: you must have a foundation of real safety first. He must feel safe in his relationship with you enough to not be constantly on the defense, constantly trying to protect himself.
Magic happens when we women can offer a loving strong container of safety in our marriage for our man.
(Actually not for HIM because we’re doing it selflessly. It’s actually very self-serving, because we get out of it the love and connection we want!)
This has always been what I lead with. My big loving compassionate heart. And it’s paid off. Over and over my clients, too, have been incredibly amazed at what happens in their relationship when they pull back on any form of criticism or blame, and stop in any way hinting that her man is doing things wrong or that he should be different than he is (which can be implied even with a question like, “why didn’t you get home on time?!” —Yes, like us, men, too, can be extremely sensitive in the worst sense of the word!). And when she replaces all that with genuine kindness and warmth-of-heart for an extended period of time, her man begins to ...ahh…....oooh.. ... feel safe, accepted, and loved for who he is, like he may never have felt before... ...Then BAM! He very suddenly begins:
offering more affection and being more loving,
being able to take in and act on your thoughts about what he could do differently to help you feel better and to make the marriage stronger.
and even welcoming your bossy, assertive, put-your-foot-down powerful and wise womanhood!
Be clear. This comes only after he’s safe. ONLY then is he ready to change into the person you both want him to be! You’ve got to start with safety. With warmth-of-heart. With kindness. Your whole future —the fulfilling, deeply loving, rich, laughter-filled relationship that you want so badly—DEPENDS on making the choice now to do what it takes to live from that love, kindness, and compassion that dwells in your deep well of a heart. And thereby lay the essential foundation of safety inside yourself, your man, and the relationship. I know... so much easier said than done! Which is why my services are invaluable. I know exactly how to help you genuinely live from that loving heart of yours, and create that cocoon of safety between you and your man that will change everything between you in the best of ways. If you’re ready to let your whole self out to be loved and appreciated, if you’re ready for that powerful woman inside you to come out and revolutionize your marriage and your man, if you’re ready to have the kind of love, depth, and sweetness with your man you’ve only dreamed of, come coach with me.
Email me and say “I’m in” and we’ll set up a consult as the first step of the best journey of your life. With Love, Hannah P.S. Want some quick tips on this topic-- and to hear it from the mouth of an actual man? Listen to my latest podcast episode, Revolutionizing Men, Their Feelings, And Love , an interview with my colleague and wise highly sensitive man, Casey Desharnais.