Where Your Magic Is In Your Marriage
When I used to have lots of thoughts like, “He isn’t as invested in this relationship as I am", "I have to do so much more than him", "he needs to try harder”, I felt alone in my marriage.
Not cared about enough.
Sometimes even abandoned.
And totally resentful.
Then I didn’t have a lot of energy to put into the relationship --or anything!
I didn’t feel like being nice. I didn’t give my partner (or myself) the very things I wanted to be given: love, kindness, appreciation…
The best I could do when I thought that I was the only one giving much to the relationship was to tell him how he should do things differently. Express my frustration --or rage-- at him. Point out his deficiencies in an unconscious attempt to make him feel bad so that he would do things differently.
So that he would see it from my perspective, get it, and finally change.
Sometimes I was able to shame him into being a wee bit different for a wee little bit of time. But that change was never long-lasting.
He went back to leaving his socks on the floor, spacing out when I was talking to him, letting me handle the kids, and coming home later than we agreed to.
So now I am totally sure that focusing on where he’s not doing as well as he could and trying to get him to change is not where the magic is when it comes to healing your relationship--or feeling good in yourself.
Because it just doesn’t work. (If I did, I promise, I would 100% be telling you to go out and change your partner. But it doesn’t.)
See, when you’re focussing on how he isn’t contributing enough, or isn’t making enough effort, you will never see the ways in which he is contributing.
You will keep yourself feeling alone, under-appreciated, and resentful. (Which, unfortunately, won't inspire him to change. In fact it’s likely he will dig his heels in more like a stubborn mule, keeping the cycle worsening.)
You are, of course, entitled to choose that if you want to. But I doubt you want to feel that way. And that is good news. Because YOU are actually the one who has the power over that ...not him!
Because what we do have control over-- where our power really is --is in how WE are: in how we interpret our partner’s behavior and how we respond to his behavior. How we show up and interact. How much we LOVE, and let ourselves feel loved (many of us women are masters at blocking that!).
Our power lies in choosing what we will do. And what we won’t do. In whether we take things personally, feel like we’re walked all over, or not. In whether we let chores interfere with the love in our marriage. Or not.
It took me longer than I like admitting to learn that even though my man contributes to my happiness in my marriage, he is NOT responsible for it. I am responsible for it.
It took me even longer to learn HOW to create that happiness in my marriage for myself.
I’d love to spare you some of the pain and help you to get there faster than I did!
Because taking deep responsibility for your happiness will not only have you feeling a lot more powerful and in control, but what most often happens is it actually frees your partner up to want to contribute to it more.
That is where the magic is.
Ick, you say?
I know! The idea “taking responsibility” makes you want to cringe. Makes you feel guilty. Like it’s your FAULT that things aren’t so great in your marriage.
I remember when I felt the same way. (That's just a misunderstanding, by the way.) But now I LOVE it. It's the most freeing, fun, empowering thing for me. If you missed it, watch this video I made you to find out how it can feel GOOD to you too. So you can change everything for the better in your relationship.