I never told you this story, but some years ago in cold dark December, I was living in a tiny attic apartment with my two sons, feeling lonely and sad.
I was in love with a man, and we’d been together for many months. I wanted him around ALL the time. He was “perfect” in so many ways. Funny. Handsome. A deep thinker. We had fun together and we had exciting conversations. I couldn't believe he was not already scooped up.
But he was kind of aloof. He liked to be alone. He was warm when we were together, but seemed fine spending many days apart. He didn't seem to have the same level of desire for affection and connection that I did. And he still wouldn’t say he loved me.
I spent hours debating whether to say I love you to him. I’d come close so often, but was too scared. I knew I wanted to be with this man for a long time , but I wasn't sure he loved me. What if he didn’t say it back? What if I cared more than him? What if I scared him off by sharing how I felt?
Being such a “feeler”, I sometimes questioned and even pushed him to share how he really felt. I’d ask him frequently how he was feeling about us. His response was always kind, but reserved.
The love I felt in one moment would retreat in the next because I wasn't sure it was welcome. It felt like riding a rollercoaster.
One day, when the holiday spirit was full tilt around me, I burst into tears because he just wouldn't say he was committed. I became a needy mess, puddled on the couch. I was just so uncomfortable being unsure of his care, and our future. I felt so alone, even though he was right there next to me.
He stayed self-contained, aloof, withdrawing more than normal, and even got defensive. I certainly didn't feel closer to him, like I wanted to. After a bit of this, I retreated to another room and cried for an hour, asking myself, “Why am I always like this!??! So emotional, so desirous of being shown love? Why can't I contain this longing for deeper intimacy?" I dozed off with such thoughts on my mind, heart heavy.
I count this as our first "fight". And also a big turning point for us.
When I woke up I decided it was time. Time to pull myself together. Time to trust I was lovable. Time to stop needing him to prove it. Time to stop all the fear. Time to lead with love, not demand, not complaint, not control, not fear. Time to see things through his eyes more, too.
Luckily, I was at the end of my life coach training, and had some amazing new tools to use and support to guide me. With that support I uncovered some major insights --and starting taking action on them.
I began to see he was just slow to learn how to share himself openly (compared to my quick open-heartedness). And he was just learning what it means to really love. My heart opened some with those insights, and my fears calmed some.
I spent the next couple of weeks actively working to believe in my own goodness, my own attractiveness, my value, my lovability. Not pleading, pressuring, and needing it from him. I grew stronger in myself, found ways I could trust our closeness, and showed up with love for him. I started attending to other aspects of my life more again, like my family, friends, and health.
In short, with the support of coaching, I pulled my focus back from what he wasn't giving me, and started recognizing the truth: I was a very lovable woman with a rich life. And I could give him love without demanding it back. I could share my love for him easily--just because it felt good to do so. I started living from that solid sense of myself and love itself.
Two weeks later, in early January, he told me he loved me for the first time. A month later we moved in together. Now he is my husband. It has been the most amazing love we have shared, and he tells me often I have been such a gift to his life, and that he adores me.
I learned a huge lesson that year: When you shift how you behave, when you shift the energy you bring from demand, need, give-me, to appreciation, allowing, understanding, and love, you become alluring and much more lovable. And loneliness and resentment are things of the past.
It’s not as easy as snapping your fingers (I know it can be a learning curve and take some work). But if you want what I now have, the easy love, the laughing playful interactions, the deep conversations, the connection, and closeness, the loving intimacy--you can have it.
Even if you are a sensitive, easily-rattled, tender-hearted “feeler” like me. Maybe even because you’re those things, you can have a deeply loving relationship with your partner.
If you're ready to feel like real allies in life together and to know your love is strong enough to make it through the hard time, I can help. Let’s shift things together, so next year is the one you’ve been waiting for.
No more chronic loneliness, resentment, longing for something that seems impossible.
You can have the peaceful, supportive, sweet closeness you want with your partner. In Unleash Your Love I will hold your hand and walk with you every step it takes to get there. I will help you overcome every fear and obstacle that comes your way and celebrate your successes all the way through.
If you're committed to having real love in your life, let's get started. Schedule your time to talk with me. We'll look at where you are now in your relationship and where you want to go, and figure out what might be getting in the way of you having that loving relationship you want with your partner and how I can help you get there.
I have a just few spots left for a fresh start as the new year dawns. Begin now. Choose love over loneliness. It feels so good.