I know it's so hard sometimes. It can feel like things won't ever be different than they are.
But, my friend, it just isn't so. Everything you're unhappy about can be different.
Want to hear one of the most powerful things I hear from my clients--something that never fails to bring me shivers? They tell me that once they've done the work to improve their relationship with their partner-- once they start to feel really loved, seen, and supported again— the rest of their life feels really different, too.
Easier. More fun. They're more energetic. More focused. They feel more productive at work. They hear from their co-workers how they’ve changed, lightened up. Yesterday one client told me how much better she is now at handling tricky situations at work.
They tell me they're more present with their children, more able to be loving and available for them. They feel like they have more time. They even feel more stable financially.
They feel calmer, more secure, and ready to pursue dreams and adventures—with an ally-of-a-loving-husband by their side.
I've had the same experience. Because here's what's true about you and I and our female sisters: when we have relationships in which we feel connected, calm, secure and valued, our whole lives are majorly improved. And when we don't, it costs us in all aspects or our life, as well.
I want you to have the love you were born for, and I know you can have it. And it starts with having a clear picture of what you actually want. So I thought it might help to see what a powerful impact the healing of your relationship will have on all aspects of your life.
You can experience this for yourself by trying this visualization exercise I created for you, Treasuring Your Future Life.
Or take a look at this list I compiled:
Here are 12 of the most common ways that I've seen that your whole life will benefit from having the loving peaceful partnership you were born to have (in my clients and my own experience) :
You waste very little of it in upset, arguments (talk about time consuming) stewing in the brain-dimming state of intense emotion. Instead you think clearly, get things done efficiently, and have HELP doing them! A partner in crime to accomplish things on your to-do list around the house, to help with the task of running a household and having a family.
Confidence and Self-Worth
Even though confidence and self worth ultimately can only come from within, I know from experience that having someone to reflect your value back to you is exhilarating. Hearing "I love you", hearing "You’re amazing", hearing "I’m so proud of you"—knowing you are loved for who you really are— it doesn’t get better than that. It also gives such a boost of confidence that tackling your scary dreams feels so much easier. It wasn’t until I was in a secure loving relationship that I found I had the energy and confidence to step out and boldly build my coaching business.
Simply put, real, reliable, deep love feels amazing. Nothing tops it. I know I can rely on my husband to open his arms to me, no matter how hard a day I had, what other areas of life I’m struggling with, or even if we have a heated exchange. Our love is stronger than that; it's a safe harbor I can always count on to come home to.
Both of you can contribute; you don’t have to spend it on therapy, the retail kind, the self-medicating kind, or on your ailing health due to all the stress of an unhappy marriage.
Instead, you use it to enjoy things you love. For example, we just spent money on a vacation away to a retreat center together (see photo). How fun!
You waste less because you aren’t spinning in your mind all the time about what's wrong with your husband, yourself, or your relationship (heavy intense emotions is exhausting and depleting and stressful; it takes a lot out of us! Especially if you are an HSP). You have plenty of energy because love and joy fill us with energy.
Efficiency and Focus at Work
You have a much clearer mind, as many clients report, when you aren't bogged down by loneliness, resentment, and confusion. My clients often share how amazed they are at the difference they feel at work, how much more they get done in a day, and how their coworkers, too, have noticed.
Having a loving and supportive long term relationship is the single biggest predictor of overall life happiness. Studies show that people who perceive themselves to have a low level of social connection have a 340 percent higher premature death rate than those who have good social support! Studies show being in a loving relationship strengthens your immune system, predicts better health outcomes, including fewer hospitalizations, and quicker recovery from disease, and decreases incidents of severe diseases and physical pain, and may even lengthen your life. Here’s a UK study that compares the health of those in flourishing marriage to those in unhappy ones. Feeling we have loving and safe close relationships is intrinsically connected to our very health and survival.
Many of my clients come to me unable to sleep well because they are so unsettled about their relationships. As we work together and things settle and begin to feel good again with their partner, they begin to sleep better. This was the case for me, too! And we all know what good nights sleep can do for everything else in our life.
Hope and Dreams For The Future
I had a dream of a home that I loved, that was spacious enough for my kids, energy efficient in a wonderful neighborhood, that felt like "me". So we build it together. I had a dream of pursuing my passion to help people have more love in their lives. With his support, I did. He has my back.
Last weekend he took a workshop on singing—a dream he’s always had. He supports my dreams and I support his. We provide the resources of time, energy, money, and emotional support so we can each pursue our dreams.
Social Life and Connection with Family
We have so much more peace and fun in our family than when we were in the thick of the struggle. We laugh a lot. My clients share how their relationships improve across the board, with their friends and colleagues and extended family.
Your Children’s Current and Future Happiness
My kids are happy. They are lucky to see a healthy relationship modeled to them. They learn how to be loving, respectful and in a healthy relationship from watching us. My eldest son has reached early “dating age”. He has such respect and love and ability to communicate with his dates that blows my mind. It's because he was shown. Children raised in loving homes get to take that forward into their futures. They have stability and an environment in which they can thrive, and not one where they have to cover their heads with their pillows because they are so upset by the noise of their parents arguing downstairs.
Your Relationship with Love Itself
Love is our life's foundation. It’s what we were born for, it’s deeply related to our very survival. We are interconnected and interdependent. We simply need loving relationships to feel well. It is from this place we can reach out into the world and be of service and create and do great things. Love is our home.
A healthy relationship mean you won’t waste the tons of $ to go through a divorce and maintain separate households. More money, then, for pursuing your dreams, doing what you love doing, and making a difference in the world.
Want to try a little experiment? Think about when you felt happy in love, how did the rest of your life look and feel? What else did you feel was possible?
If you missed the visualization, check it out here.
The impact of having a loving partnership is felt far and wide in your life. It’s a resource that keeps giving back for your whole life long. The work it takes to heal and revive the love in your marriage is the most powerful thing you can do to improve your entire life, hands down.
You can heal your relationship on your own, or with support (Click here to see last week's blog post all about this). What I care about most is that you do it. YOU ARE SO VERY WORTH IT! This is your one life and it matters that you love it.