Why does it feel so upsetting when your partner doesn’t hug you when he walks in the door, or ask you about your day each evening, or pay you attention when you want it?
Because, if you are anything like many of the sensitive women I know and love (and the one I USED TO BE!), deep down there’s a part of you that feels you need that in order to feel good about yourself.
His kiss when he sees you after a day apart? Your brain interprets that to mean you're lovable.
His agreement with you on the subject of how strict to be with the quarantine? Your brain thinks that means your opinion is a good one.
Him making dinner for you? To your brain, it equals you matter.
A part of you (the insecure part of your brain) thinks you need these things from him --because without them you don’t feel like you matter.
When you think your partner needs to make love to you for you to feel cared for, when you think you need his words of “looking good, honey!” to affirm you are beautiful, you are not in a relationship based on love. It’s a relationship based on need.
That is a set up for an endless power struggle (I know from intimate experience!). Because some days your partner will NOT do the things you need him to.
Someday he won’t feel like making love.
Someday he will be in a bad mood because work was hard, and he won’t have it in him to hug you right away.
And you will be hurt. You will be angry. You will feel unimportant, and unloved.
You may rage at him. Or you may retreat away. Either way, he won’t know what came between you.
I did all of this. Experienced the fallout of needing my man to prove my worth to me. That’s why I can speak so strongly about it.
My friend, when you get confused and think you need him to do certain things for you, this is OUTSOURCING your own worth. It is giving him way too much power.
It makes you depend on him for something that was never his to give you in the first place.
So listen. His attention, his ability to love you, has nothing to do with how much you matter. He’s not the source of your worth--EVER.
You are.
Your sense of mattering is not his to give you.
It’s only ever YOURS to give yourself.
You can learn how to feel loved and valuable, no matter what your partner does.
I’m no longer dependent on my husband to feel like I’m important or a good human. I figured out how to depend on myself for that knowing. I’ve learned how to feel like I matter-- even if no one wants to hang out with me.
I was not born like this, nor did it just come naturally at some point.
I had to develop this like one develops a muscle. Through purposeful repetitive lifting of my own self up.
This is at the heart of the work my clients and I do. Together, we build their knowing of their own MATTERING, one strengthening boost at a time.. until they feel so solidly good in themselves (kinda like sparkly jewels), that their partner can’t tarnish their glow ever.
And since they no longer NEED any specific things from their partner, the pressure he felt vanishes. Suddenly he WANTS to do more. And they can truly enjoy him like they never have before. Love grows between them stronger than ever.
This is what happens when you own YOUR own power as a woman. As a human. Instead of giving it away.
If you're ready to step into that place of power, so you can have a relationship based on love, not need, get on the waitlist now to coach with me. To do so, let's talk to see if we are a fit. Email me at hannah@lifeisworthloving.com with a "let's talk" and we'll choose a time!
With Love,
Hannah