In my last blog post, I introduced The 5 C’s --The top 5 emotions to cultivate for a better marriage. Truly, they are the 5 Emotional Warriors for Love.
Curiosity is the first one to start purposefully bringing more of into your life. Curiosity is a powerful emotion because it has no heaviness in it. Especially for highly sensitive people who are prone to take things so seriously, the lightness and kindness of curiosity is very freeing. This allows us to ask great questions, observe and learn about ourselves --and our partner-- from a neutral (uncharged, non-judgmental) place. Being curious builds awareness. Which is the birthplace of change.
So curiosity helps us discover where we can make tweaks inside of ourselves and in the relationship for positive change. Think about scientists. Their primary tool is curiosity, which allows for powerful observation, right?
Observation done from that kind of detached, non-judgmental place allows for the scientist to be able to get powerful information…. and develop all sorts of things, like medicines and technologies, that improve human life.
When it comes to marriage, curiosity helps us actually see and learn about what’s not working, so we can try new things-- or understand what is working so we can keep doing it! (Don't underestimate power of seeing this!)
It’s especially important to use curiosity to understand ourselves in 3 areas:
1) why we’re acting how we’re acting,
2) why we’re feeling how we’re feeling about things
3) and where those feelings are ACTUALLY coming from (Hint: our minds! Our thoughts, expectations, beliefs and perceptions, and the way we are interpreting things that happen.)
Because those 3 areas are where so many of the results we get in our marriage come from (i.e.the connection or lack of it, the arguing or lack of it, the laughter, or lack of it, the lovemaking or lack of it.)
Once we see what's happening on one or all of those levels, we can decide to either keep it up or do something different! Like shifting how we’re thinking about things, and feeling more acceptance and compassion, and less hurt, resentment, and anger, for example.
This will naturally change the way our interactions are going with our significant other. Basic example: when you're feeling happy, you're naturally more playful or more likely to say a kind word to your husband, right?
Curiosity can help us understand what's going on in our partner so much better, too, which frees us up to feel close instead of disconnected. Curiosity also has the power to get us right out of heightened emotions (like during a heated interaction), and allows us to come up with solutions to problems, instead of creating bigger ones! To get into curiosity on purpose, ask yourself any good question. Here are some good options to play with (go through 1 at a time)
For understanding yourself better, so you can shift things on purpose:
How am I feeling?
What am I thinking that’s creating this feeling?
What kind of thoughts go through my mind regularly?
How true are they?
What fearful thoughts am I thinking that might be untrue?
How much time am I thinking positively about my marriage?
What am I forgetting to remember about our love for each other?
How could I help myself feel just a bit more relaxed and carefree today?
For understanding your partner better, so you can feel more connected and at peace:
What might be going on for my partner that has him behaving this way?
How might he be loving and caring for me in ways I’m overlooking?
For using curiosity to come up with solutions and directly improve your relationship:
Where in my marriage could I use more curiosity?
What might help us navigate this better in the future?
How could I positively influence things today?
How could I bring a bit more love right now into our day?
Feeling curious yet? Great. Keep it up.
You will learn so very much about yourself and get lots of information to help you make healthy changes inside yourself and your relationship! You might even find yourself feeling one or more of the other 5 C’s (more on those soon), which are truly Emotional Warriors who can lead you straight to more love.
And hey, If you want to truly be able to choose-- on purpose-- to not only handle your feelings with grace and ease (even the hard ones like resentment and shame), but also know how to access on demand emotions that truly serve you in deepening intimacy (like the 5 C’s, of course), so love and a sense of deep security and togetherness are just the way it is in your marriage, come coach with me.
I will teach you how to make disconnection and hurt things of the past, and ease and lightness the new norm. To learn more, email me and say "let's chat" and we'll get started with a free consult.