What If Your Spouse Doesn't Want To Change?

In all the years working with HSP women to make their marriages deeply loving, supportive, and connected, I’ve never believed that men don’t also have their part to do. 

There are absolutely things your spouse has to work on in your relationship for him to be a really great partner to you. (Nearly every spouse does.)

For spouses of highly sensitive women, some of the issues he has work on likely include (although are by no means limited to): 

• Defending instead of listening

• Not making small, consistent gestures that feel to you like care and connection 

• Fixing or fighting your feelings instead of validating them

• Making your hurt your problem instead of being willing to look at his part

• Becoming reactive in hard moments, instead of responding to help solve the problem

• Not repairing after conflict

• Expecting sex without creating the emotional connection that helps you want it

Are any of these areas that you feel your partner could work on? (I know so many of you will say yes!).

If so, I want you to hear this: Of course if he did this work, things could improve between you. But, what if your spouse doesn't want to change? I know it's hard when that is the case, but there is hope, my friend!

 The first thing you must understand is that your emotional well-being within your marriage cannot be dependent on his readiness to do that work. 

When it is, not only is that giving his unskillfullness way more power over your experience than necessary, it also deprives you of feeling safe, secure, loved, and loving in your relationship. This is a lose-lose for you and your marriage.

Luckily, you have so much power over how you feel in your relationship. 

But (again!) you can only do your own work. And your spouse is the only one who can do his. 

Now I know that this is where so many women begin to feel powerless to change their marriage:

Many men aren’t interested in doing their own work, or aren't ready yet.

The good news, which has been the heart of my work for years now, is this beautiful truth: focusing on your own growth absolutely changes things for you and your marriage immensely.

So please don’t hear anything I say as “you can't have the marriage you want unless he does his work.” Because that is simply not the truth.

If he's not ready—or you doubt he ever will be—that doesn’t mean you can't have a deeply loving, sweetly connected marriage.

I've helped hundreds of women create exactly that, even when their husbands weren't doing this kind of work themselves.

Doing your work changes far more than you imagine. (Click here to hear how this is true from over 25 women who have done this work before you)

This is why I've made the heart of my work about working with women like you. 

But your growth doesn't mean you are forever going to be doing all of the growing alone.

And as you become more emotionally safe and relationally capable, you may discover that your relationship has reached a point where your partner becomes ready to also do his own work more and more. 

This often happens more easily as you do your work and the environment between you begins to change—which is one reason Sanctuary helps marriages change so much.

And so, I want you to know that when that happens – when he becomes more ready and willing to grow – there's a path of support for him in Sanctuary.

He will be able to get the teaching and support he needs to: 

• Understand your sensitivity with greater kindness and compassion

• Offer the attention and care that helps you feel loved and emotionally safe

• Meet your feelings with empathy and validation

• Listen without defensiveness when you bring up something that matters

• Stay steady during hard moments and repair when conflict happens

• Create the emotional connection that helps you feel desire and intimacy

• And more.

To be clear: this doesn't mean he needs to become a perfect partner.

It means that when he’s ready to grow, he can learn the specific skills and develop the capacity to become more of the loving, emotionally attuned, supportive partner your heart has been longing for.

This is one of the things I love most about Sanctuary: it is a pathway for your marriage—not just for you.

You begin by doing your own work. You build greater emotional safety and agency within yourself and learn how to bring the best of yourself into the space between you.

And as your relationship changes, there is also a path for your husband to receive support when he’s ready, too.

In my next email, I'll show you exactly what that path can look like.

But for now, I want you to remember this: your marriage doesn't have to stay stuck while you wait for him to be ready.

You can begin creating the biggest healing changes right now in Sanctuary.

So come work with me in Sanctuary.

P.S. Want to hear about how focusing on your own work worked inside the marriages of 2 real, but very different, highly sensitive women? Listen to these 2 podcast episodes:

• From Feeling Alone To Being a Loving Team in Marriage; Kathy’s Story  In this one, you'll hear how, as Kathy did her work on her side of the street, her hubby started to make bigger changes on his end, and even seek out support for himself. Soon enough, they were both experiencing and building in more love between them and collaborating on creating a great future together, one where they are both getting their needs and wants met harmoniously and happily.

  
  

•  And in, From Walled-Off to Connected and Affectionate; Gina’s Story, you'll hear how, as Gina did her work, her husband started joining her in building more and more intimacy between them, so now building and enjoying more and more connection is a totally mutual thing for both of them.