I recently realized I’ve been hiding some things from you! It’s funny because I deeply believe in being authentic and genuine in our relationships. Not hiding who I am or my human struggles and imperfections. In any relationship that’s part of the recipe of the glue that binds: being real. Not pretending to be someone we aren’t.
That’s what’s made the love so deep in my marriage.
But doing that publicly? A little scary! There’s a part of me that wants to show up all polished and perfect. But you are someone I value. I don’t want to ever hide the truth from you. So my new promise to you? I will show up even more authentically.
Not because I want to flaunt my life to you. But because I don’t want you to believe that it takes perfection or being a super human to have deep, tender, authentic, lasting love with your significant other. You don't have to be more special, or lucky, or magazine beautiful—or anything you're not, to have the love you really want with your partner.
Here’s some truth-telling: Yes, I have an incredibly wonderful loving relationship with my second husband. (Love didn’t always feel this amazing. Read my full story)
But… I also get irritable with him. I sometimes say controlling things (like "don’t eat that! It’s not good for you!")
I feel afraid at times to say important things to him that might show my weakness or make me seem silly (like “lets make love”…getting that out of my mouth can feel so vulnerable!).
I have an inner mean girl, embarrassingly enough, who judges him and wants to one-up him at times just so I can feel better about myself. (I’ve actually said out loud, “You’re so immature.”)
I sometimes still get upset easily, feel anxious, worry about all sorts of things, overthink things, stay in a shut-down funk for hours, have urges to blame him for my anger or hurt feelings.
I feel guilt and shame about these things sometimes, absolutely. I am not proud of them. But, I am loved deeply. I am cherished—despite these imperfections.
Friend, I have learned that if you want lasting deep love two things are essential:
1) You have to learn to be truly okay with who you are right now… to know you are still lovable even when you are a normal human and mess up or do things you aren’t proud of with your loved one.
2) You need to be willing to act on your desire for deep love and easier relating, to use that desire as fuel to courageously stretch into an even better version of yourself.
That’s what love asks of us.
For me that means accepting my human flaws, while diligently transforming the underlying causes of the ones I can change— everyday. Taking action over and over.
My biggest strength in this has been simply my determination to love fully. To feel the guilt when I mess up, get over it , and get back on my mission to feel deep love.
And I grow! I catch myself way quicker when I start to tell him what to do. I go chill out when I’m acting grumpy, or hold my tongue because I know I’ll only say something I wouldn’t say if I was in a less overstimulated mood. I feel the fear and share that I want to make love, despite it. I feel my emotions when I’m upset and let them resolve inside me before I address an issue.
Sometimes I still mess up and we don’t feel as close for a while. My friend, that is simply what it means to be a human in a relationship. It will never be perfect all the time.
Our love has no problem prevailing over those moments. Real love can handle the mistakes, the imperfections. It’s so very strong.
I’m truly a mixed bag of a human. My man is, too. We all are. And that mixed bag is so lovable just as she is.
You are so lovable just as you are.
If you want to experience the long-lasting deep intimacy you’ve always dreamed of, trust in your lovability right now, and add to it the intention to grow into an even more loving version of yourself. That’s the simplest recipe for true love.
Which is exactly what the world needs now: more people who have learned to love for real. Imperfectly, humanly, no doubt, but fiercely and deeply.
Join me on that journey? Give a yes yes! in the comments or shoot me an email. You can always ask me any
question that comes up! I'll respond.