You Can't Lose In Love When You Do This
This is the time of year I tend to have my ex-husband on my mind. It’s the time of year we separated-- and it’s also his birthday.
This year it’s got me thinking about all the women out there who are so unsure of the future of their relationship. Who don't know if things can last, or whether to stay or go.
If that’s you, my heart goes out to you. I can feel your fear, confusion, anxiety, the frustration of not knowing...That uncertainty is heavy, and it bogs you down. I remember it so clearly.
But, it doesn’t have to be such a struggle. You can find your way to clarity. You can come to a decision that feels GOOD, without the guilt or regret. (I'll tell you how in a moment.)
Even if it’s ending this relationship as it is. Although separation or divorce is never fun or easy, you can feel good about moving on, and at peace with your ex. Yes, if you choose this route, emotions will be strong and grief is a part of the process. But it doesn’t have to be a giant drama. You can feel truly at peace with it.
And, you can have the love and happiness you want. If not in this relationship than in the next one.
BUT PLEASE HEAR ME: most of us can find the happiness we yearn for right here in the relationship we’re already in. Even if that seems hard to imagine. I've witnessed it over and over with my clients.
For me, years ago (before I had a coach or the skills and knowledge I do now) after much debate, I chose to leave my marriage. Yet, I maintained the sweetest friendship with my ex, with no hard feelings between us. I bring him gifts for his birthday. He consults me about his love life…We have the ease and sweetness of true friendship between us.
I also have a passionate, loving, happy marriage with my husband— one in which I trust we can overcome anything, together.
You can have this, too (one, the other, or both). It’s not either/or. You can have the love you want no matter what.
If this is possible for me, it is for you, too.
I can hear you thinking, “But how do I know whether to say or go? How do I know if this relationship will ever feel good or whether I should move on?”
Here’s 3 steps I suggest you take to find out:
1) Give this relationship your ALL for now. Don’t jump ship before you’ve done your OWN work fully. If you do, you'll just carry the same patterns and struggles right into the next relationship and eventually find yourself with the same complaints, and the same negative feelings. I promise. (I sure did! Luckily I had coaching by then to move me right through it all.)
2) Take the hard but kind look at yourself you may have been avoiding. The places you contribute to the pain and struggle in your relationship. Since we're only human, we all have them. Take responsibility for them.
3) Commit to overcoming them and growing into the best version of yourself. And get going to do it. Not someday, not tomorrow. Today. So you can love fully, and be cherished in return.
Do this work now. You cannot lose when you do. You can only WIN. At worst you’ll find yourself saying goodbye, with peace in your heart, and totally ready and prepared for great love to come into your life.
Or, more likely, you’ll find great LOVE is already right here.
If you need support with any of this, I'm here for you.