I'm always doing this work myself to grow in love that I ask of you and my clients. I'm in this learning and evolving thing with you. So I wanted to share some of what I've been learning lately so that you may benefit.
My man and I had a big decision to make the other day that had a profound effect on our next year or two (and maybe the rest of our lives)— and... we weren’t seeing eye-to-eye on it.
In the moment, his disagreement felt like a threat to me. The fear of losing out on what I deeply wanted shut my heart and mind to him. I felt myself grow angry. My heart race, my body tense.
I couldn’t see his side because of it. I couldn’t see HIM— his own worry, his vulnerable sense of being misunderstood... For a bit I couldn’t even hear him when he told me he was supporting what I was saying— and agreed with me!
I was stuck in wanting him to be just how I thought he should. Saying what I wanted him to, with just the right tone...So I missed the love and support he was actually showing me. And it felt awful.
Ever done that? Made your partner temporarily into an enemy because he wasn’t being the way you wanted him to? It’s a natural human being thing to do. But it’s not necessary, or helpful when it comes to any relationship.
Once I paused, stopped trying to get him to be the way I thought he “should” be, and recognized my own blindness, I could SEE HIM and his goodness again. The imperfect but tender-hearted ally of a husband.
We can always come back to seeing our partner's goodness when we let go of trying to bend him into someone he isn’t. When we stop “shoulding” him. When we stop measuring him against some ideal standard we have in our mind. When we let go of our attachment to his tone being perfectly kind, or parenting just the way we want, or him seeing things just as we do.
That is when we can LOVE and GENUINELY APPRECIATE this person we’ve chose to spend our life with. And THAT feels so good.
And, by the way, this same thing with works with your relationship with yourself, too!
What “shoulds” are you hanging onto that are clouding your ability to appreciate what actually IS? About your partner, yourself, your life? Share in the comments below.