When Your Love Life Is Difficult, One Of These 7 Areas Is The Problem
If you're like many of the women I speak with regularly, you just want more more ease in your relationship, more understanding, more of a feeling that you and your partner are a team facing life together. You're tired of little issues turning into battles, tired of feeling unappreciated, misunderstood, not heard, disrespected; tired of feeling angry, resentful, or irritated. The hurt of it all is draining and discouraging.
Yet, what I've learned from years of working with women like you is that under all that, there really is LOVE there between you and your partner. When you clean up the misunderstanding and the negative patterns of interaction, love is sitting there strong and steady.
But that cleaning can take time-- and some foundational knowledge.
Here’s the thing: our surface interactions— the conversations, arguments, and treatment of each other—come from what’s going on deeper inside of each of us. The words we say and the actions we take are just a reflection of that.
It is true that you can change your words, use great language tricks to communicate better with your partner, and they will help change the dynamic between you.
But, if you took part in the training last week, you know that if your words are just tricks-- if they are not coming from deeper understanding-- from genuine feelings of empathy, respect, trust, care—then they won’t have the same power to create the closeness, intimacy, and love you want between you.
I like to use the metaphor of words being like fruits on a tree. Those sweet fruits are only possible because of the deep root system and sturdy trunk and limbs of the tree.…The real power comes from the roots, and limbs. If the tree is not strong and healthy, the fruits will be inedible.
The sturdy “roots and trunk” of a healthy fulfilling relationship are made up of these
7 attributes, which you can develop in yourself:
A clear understanding of yourself and what’s going on inside of you.
A sense of responsibility for your own self and empowerment around your own experience.
An understanding that your partner is allowed to be him and you can’t control him.
An understanding of how to manage your own mind (your fears and expectations).
A sense of confidence and ease with handling the harder human emotions like anger, shame, vulnerability, fear, sadness, irritation, resentment, anxiety.
An unshakable sense of your own goodness and value or worth as a human being. Knowing you are lovable as you are.
A deep knowing that you can choose to love and accept your partner's humanness, a sense of coming from love and generosity— not for their sake but because that feels best to YOU.
The beauty of these attributes is that you have 100% power over whether you develop them or not—whether you grow these roots, trunk, and limbs. And you
can do so by learning just 7 skills (more on this soon.) When your fruits—your words and actions— come out of that strong foundation, they are so much more effective, so much more powerful in creating the dynamic of love and understanding that you want.
As I often say, love is never about luck, it’s always about learning.
I want you to know that you don’t have to be perfect at all of these to have real love! But if you struggle a lot in any 1 or more areas, you’re going to have ongoing challenges in your relationship:
You’ll likely feel like he’s to blame for problems between you, you’ll feel frustrated, helpless, defeated, annoyed, hurt, or resentful, and your words and actions will on some level express that—chronically. Over time this will definitely take a toll, covering-up the love in your relationship and making tenderness, joy, understanding, and connection feel inaccessible.
But take heart. If you aren't feeling the closeness you want with your partner, deep down it’s usually not about an absence of love between you. It’s about cleaning all the other stuff up so you can uncover that love and connection again. Which means simply developing the skills you need to get there.
This is what I do all the time with my clients. You and I can do this together, too.
If, being honest with yourself, you know you struggle in any of the areas above--or if things just aren’t going well-- I’m happy to hop on the phone with you (for free) to look in detail at what's getting in the way of you being happy in your relationship. Together we’ll look at the things you see —and the things you don't see— that are keeping you unhappy in love. I’ll tell you exactly what you need to do to get things feeling better as quickly as possible, and help you decide if working with me would be a good fit for you.
Getting this kind of 1:1 support is the only way to really personalize and go deeply into your specific issues, desires, and relationship challenges-- so you can shift the dynamic into one you feel really good about…instead of one you just tolerate. It’s also the best way to determine with crystal-clarity whether it's time to release this relationship and move on peacefully --or whether this relationship can be fulfilling for the long haul. If you're ready to get that kind of clarity, let's chat.