This Is Love On Purpose
Updated: Dec 29, 2019
How well-versed do you feel in the 7 Relationship Skills For Love That Lasts? If you're like most of us, you were never taught them and they haven't just magically become second nature.
So, I've been diving deeper into each of the 7 Relationship Skills since I shared them, so you can grow your understanding (and have a relationship that brings a smile to your face every time you think of it).
Recently we've focused on the root skill that lasting love grows from: Owning Your Value As A Human Being (see links at bottom if you missed out).
Everything I share with you is about creating more love in your relationship--purposefully. Pick up one of the Relationship Skills and the whole garland of the other skills follows—with all the power to up-leveling the quality of your love life by 1000%.They're all connected.
Today I'm sharing deeper on the skill of Loving On Purpose. Think of it as the Bio-Dome skill: the environment (air, sunshine) in which love grows and thrives in a long term relationship.
So what does it mean to Love On Purpose?
It means proactively and purposefully creating the love you want in your life.
NOT passively sitting by and expecting to be regularly overcome by deep passion for our man —or to all of a sudden feel he totally cherishes us. (You may have noticed that doesn't get you the love you want.)
If you have a partner who is passive about loving you, don’t take that as an invitation to be passive as well—not if you want real love.
If YOU want real love, that’s reason enough to step up into the role of purposeful love leader. To embark on the powerful life-changing adventure of becoming a love warrior.
This means claiming your power to love.
Claiming your right to be loved.
It means fiercely holding your own self dear through any and all emotional storms you feel overcome by...
It means going up against your own inner dragons: all the barriers inside of you to loving.
It means untangling yourself from debris that clogs your ability to love your partner the way you want to be loved. And freeing yourself to be who YOU WANT to be in the relationship.
Loving on purpose means renegotiating your relationship with time to prioritize your marriage.
It means refusing to believe every excuse your brain insists is a good reason not to do so (like we’re too busy with work, the kids, the grandkids, my hobbies, it isn’t important, I don’t know how, the house needs cleaning, he doesn't deserve it, it’s too late, it’s too early, he’s the one who should make time for me…).
It means becoming aware of all the ways you unfairly measure your partner against some idealized version of him you’ve created in your mind, which shuts off your capacity to love who he is.
It means gently catching your rascally mind when it lies to you and says “relationships should always feel fun”, that “this is just too hard”, that “maybe I chose the wrong partner”.
It means purposefully supervising your brain so it no longer defaults into always seeing what’s missing and what’s wrong with him.
It means, instead, steering it to focus on what’s good about him, what’s lovable about him---purposefully overlooking the pimple on his face so that you can see the map of his happiness in the smile lines around his eyes.
Loving on purpose means being in charge of creating your own emotional safety for yourself. Not expecting him to make you feel safe.
It means considering how you could invite him to feel safer with you, so he knows he is safe to be himself with you.
It means never making him responsible for your happiness and knowing that you, and only you, have authority over that.
It means asking for what you want with no expectation, no demand that it be fulfilled. Knowing 100% that you can handle your feelings about the answer he gives.
It means choosing to purposely live from generosity and curiosity.
It means recognizing that irritation and annoyance are feelings we have as sensitive woman and that they are never caused by his snore, the way he chews, his inability to explain his feelings, his “obliviousness”!
It means keeping yourself out of overstimulation, overwhelm, exhaustion. Knowing that love never swells up from that suppressed depleted state.
It mean choosing to CHOOSE him over and over.
It means choosing LOVE over and over.
OVER resentment, over the adrenaline rush of being right, over the urge to shut down when you feel vulnerable, over the urge to lash out when your emotions are super charged, over the urge to run when it isn’t fun or easy.
It means loving yourself and believing in yourself more than you expect any other human to.
It means loving him more than you expect him to give you anything back— knowing that feeling of love inside YOU is the greatest gift you can ever give yourself.
Loving on purpose means all of this and more.
But listen: don’t let yourself be overwhelmed. Improving in only one of these areas will bring so much more love in to your relationship. You don’t need to be perfect.
Start now, start today by asking yourself how you can love a little bit more purposefully right now?
If you'd like share your answer in the comments below.