Creating Deep Certainty In Your Love
Remember the 5 C’s --the top 5 emotions to cultivate for a better marriage? (See this blog post if you missed it). We talked a few weeks ago about Curiosity-- the first of the “Emotional Love Warriors”-- here. Today I’m sharing more about the 2nd one: Certainty. Cultivate more of it inside yourself if you want a better relationship with your partner! It is a foundation for deep lasting love. Certainty is an emotion, though you might not have thought of it as one. You can think of it as Deep Confidence. It’s relatives are feeling sure, trusting, and secure. To me it feels just like “knowing” something in my bones. When I feel certain, I feel solid in my body, grounded. Like “Yeah, this is just how it is”. It's a very strong and secure feeling. Like total trust. Certainty serves our relationships in so many ways. How certain we feel in ourselves, in our partner, in aspects of the relationship, or in the relationship as a whole, determines how safe, secure, and relaxed we are in it. The more certain we are in ourself, and in our relationship, the more able we are to just be ourselves freely! And THAT is when all the good stuff in us comes out, all our strengths, our humor, our wisdom, our deeply loving hearts…. which actually enhances our relationship, leading us to feel even more certainty! For example, one area I feel certainty in in my marriage is that we will ALWAYS make up, we will always come out the other side of any conflict that comes up feeling at peace, close and connected again.
This knowing, this sense of certainty in that, takes a whole lot of the tension out of me when we do have a disagreement, allowing me to relax so much more. So conflicts between us never turn into a big deal anymore, and we always are quickly able to open our loving arms back up to each other. Our certainty does that for us. It’s truly an emotional love warrior!
You can feel this kind of certainty, too. Here’s how to start creating this sense of certainty in yourself and your relationship. Grab a pen and paper and answer these questions for yourself:
What good things am I certain of about myself?
What good things am I certain of about our relationship?
What are the things that give me certainty in his love for me?
How is it true that we are resilient, robust, able to weather challenges as a couple?
In what ways have our challenges made us stronger as a couple?
After answering these, let yourself FEEL how your body feels. What’s that like for you? Let yourself feel what it feels like to rest in certainty. Another powerful way to bring more certainty into your relationship is to develop a sense of certainty in your capacity to shift things inside of you and between you and your partner. I always work with clients on creating the sense of certainty inside themselves ( i.e. deep confidence!) that they have so much power over themselves and how they feel, and so much influence in their marriage. As they develop this certainty, they see and feel that influence more and more. And so they feel more and more certain of their power to create a marriage that gets better and better. This is often when they start telling me “This feels like magic!” You can experience this, too. It starts with cultivating Certainty. To develop this sense of certainty ask yourself (I highly suggest writing your answers out):
Where have I had influence in this relationship?
How about that time you lost it? Did THAT influence your dynamic?
How about that time you were loving? Did that influence your dynamic?
Let your brain see the evidence that you do have influence. Again, FEEL the certainty of that knowing. I highly recommend listening to “Lead The Love You Want In Your Marriage” (episode 5 of my podcast, Highly Sensitive, Happily Married), here, which will bring you a lot more certainty in this! Which is where the magic of relationship change truly takes hold.