You want your relationship to feel great-- a whole lot better than it feels now.
You know there are things you can do to improve it. You might even know what those things are, because there’s no lack of information out there on what to do to improve marriages. Such as:
Stop pointing fingers
Stop complaining
Stop overreacting
Communicate calmly
Look for what you love in him and acknowledge those things more
Take better care of yourself
Love yourself more
Make requests, not demands
Set boundaries and stick to them
Carve out alone time with your partner
Do new things together
Touch each other more
Etc.
You know these things.Yet, nothing’s improving.
That’s because a lack of information about what to do is never the thing that stops us from improving our marriage.
The problem lies in your approach to these things.
You may get overwhelmed by them. So fizzle out on doing them.
You may get confused about which actions are most important for you to deeply focus on.
You may not have the commitment and emotional fuel— the zeal— to actually do those things, especially when it’s not easy. Especially when your efforts aren’t being reciprocated.
You may not believe they will make a difference.
In other words, the problem lies in your thinking.
Your mind is what is stopping you. Because, below the surface of your awareness, it’s likely telling you 1 million things a day that keep you from going all in and naturally taking these actions ...such as:
If he isn’t working hard on it why should I…?
I don’t feel like being nice right now.
Something is wrong with me.
We must be a wrong match.
It’s not gonna work.
I’ve tried this before but nothing changes.
He doesn’t really care about me.
It won’t make a difference anyway.
Maybe I’m just needy and selfish.
Every single one of these thoughts are undermining the change you want to make. Because they feel awful. Depleting. Discouraging.
And you just can’t create a thriving loving connection from discouragement and lackluster energy.
Luckily the solution ALSO lies in your thinking. In your brain.
When you catch yourself thinking all the thoughts that steal the wind from your sails, you get to decide not to buy into them. You can decide, instead, to believe:
I’ve got what it takes.
This relationship is worth it.
My dream of lasting love is important and for the greater good.
My partner and I care deeply about each other.
We are allies in this together.
I am loved and on my way to being loved even more.
And so on.
That feels a lot lot better, yeah?
When you get your mind in the right place, your feelings FUEL you, so the right actions come naturally.
That is when your relationship starts working. Feeling sweeter and safer. Which feels so encouraging that it’s even easier to keep taking those relationship healing actions. It’s a positive snowball effect!
So, if you’ve been trying to improve things and change just hasn’t been happening, go to your mind. That’s where the shifts need to be made.
If it’s hard to see what’s going in on there that's stopping you from making your marriage into what you want it to be, that’s totally normal! It’s hard to see our own minds when we haven’t been taught how to.
This is where a skilled relationship coach like me comes in. I’m trained to see what you can’t see: your blind spots, the beliefs you have that keep you feeling resentful, shitty, sad, small, the thoughts you’re thinking that feel just like “reality”--but which are actually more like nightmares (illusions) that cost you love.
When you coach with me, I help you see all those things in your mind that are stopping you from having the love, connection, tenderness and laughter that you want in your marriage. Then I help you shift it all so that you start thinking in a way that generates love, respect, and emotional intimacy.
And, yeah, I’ll give you some specific things to do-- things that are just right for you to be doing to improve your marriage. But-- here’s the funnest part -- they’ll be easy to do and much more effective than ever. Because you’ll have the full power of the right headspace and heartspace fueling you. All the way to feeling like the cherished and loving ally with your partner you dream of being.
Ready for that? Email me at hannah@lifeisworthloving.com and say "I'm in". We'll set up a time to chat about just how to get there.