The 1st Life-Changing Thing I Teach My Clients
Our brains are so complex and have so much influence over how we experience our lives. So I love to talk about them in a super-simplified way. A way that frees us up to have more CHOICE over how we experience our lives.
This is one of the first lessons I share with all my clients, because when taken seriously, it can lay the foundational understanding for a much more rich, loving, and peaceful experience in our lives and marriages. Especially for those of us with more sensitive human brains!
Think of your human brain as being composed of two parts:
We have the wise, rational, big-picture-seeing, perspective-taking part. This part has no trouble seeing the positive, the silver lining, your own capabilities and goodness, and the same in others. It’s like you’re wise advisor, who when conferred with, makes brilliant choices for your life.
It’s the part that sees the luscious fullness of your man’s lips, instead of the cheese crumb stuck in his mustache.
On the other hand, we have the reptilian brain. This is the ancient part of you that evolved alongside lizards.
In an effort to protect you from danger, it always scans your environment for what’s wrong, what’s missing, what’s dangerous. And it rarely comes up empty-handed.
This part will ONLY see the cheese in the mustache, and maybe even chime in with oh-so-helpful blanket statement, like: “My husband's a gross eater!”
Though we have both of these parts, our reptilian brain often sits in the DRIVER SEAT of our life. Dictating what we think and how we feel about things.
It interprets others' actions and words as threats.
It judges and critiques relentlessly-- both others AND your own self, insisting that you're “too” this or that (sensitive, reactive, impatient, easily aggravated)...
It puts our hackles up as soon as our partner forgets to do something he agreed to.
It predicts the doom of your love if you have a bad day together, or if your partner doesn’t respond to your request to make a reservation at your favorite restaurant with the enthusiasm you thought he would.
It gets stuck on that one awful thing your partner did that you can’t forgive, watches vigilantly for any hint of the possibility of it happening again at any moment.
It may even tell you that you chose the wrong partner —or that you yourself are wrong for being a certain way, or not quite good enough the way you are.
No wonder so many of our lives don’t look at all like we want them to:
Fear is a terrible dream achiever.
A horrific harmony maker.
An awful connection creator.
It’s more of a DREAM AND LOVE KILLER.
But instead of just telling you this is so, let me ask you a few question that can show you this:
When you look at your partner (or yourself) from your fear brain, what do you notice? Then, what do you feel? Take a moment to come up with some answers.
Now, put your wise brain in charge of how you see your partner (and yourself). If this feels hard, think about how a wise loving friend or advisor might see your partner or you, and imagine seeing through their eyes. How do you feel now?
Which experience feels better, more love-strengthening, more harmony and ease-inducing?
If you had the choice— and of course you do, my friend— which part of your brain do you WANT to put in charge— your wise brain or your fear brain?
Only YOU can make that choice. And choosing is the key.
P.S. It can take some "recoding" of that brain of yours to actually LIVE from your wise brain. If you're ready to experience much more of the love, ease, and security you really want in your marriage, I’m here to help you do that re-coding!
We start with some “deprogramming” of that pernicious rascally fear-brain. Then we gently coax that most wonderfully wise harmony creating part of you out of hibernation… and strengthen it so much that your Wise Brain --finally oh finally-- gets to sit in the driver seat and take you where you WANT to go, in your marriage and the rest of your life.
To get started email me and say “I’m in“, and share a sentence or two about what you want to be different in your marriage.
I’ll respond to set up a time to talk about exactly what making this change will mean for YOU, and just how I can help.