If I’m super honest with myself, in my early romantic relationships I signed up to BE LOVED. I didn’t sign up to LOVE.
Deep down I was mostly concerned with how the relationship would benefit me.
I expected my man to know how to comfort me when sad, delight me when bored, woo me when I wanted him too…And make me feel special and cherished with his words, kisses, and thoughtfulness.
I didn’t expect the same from myself for how I treated him. I didn’t think much about what I could do to show him he was special.
It was like he was my train to happiness and I could just sit back sipping tea and enjoy the ride.
Not that I never hugged him or said nice things to him. I was naturally fairly caring (hey I’m an Highly Sensitive girl, so that’s my nature). I just didn’t really consider how much he might also need and want to feel appreciated. And what that would do to strengthen our relationship.
Funny, because, when my best friend created surprise treasure hunts all over town on my birthday, or my boyfriend randomly wrote me an affectionate note, I felt even more warmth and devotion to them.
I didn’t connect the dots that people who LOVED freely were so much easier to feel LOVE for.
And it would feel hard to be loving when my partner wasn’t being a perfect source of love and affection for me— which it turned out was fairly often, (because he’s only human!) in every relationship I had.
Resentment inevitably crept in slowly, making a big mountain between my man and I.
Until this marriage. I finally figured it out.
Now I give as much or more than I get. I take deep pleasure in the giving: rubbing his shoulders, complimenting him with words, loving him with a listening ear, hugs, kisses, and warm glances.
Because you know who feels good when I do so? ME. I love feeling like a loving person. I am fueled by that feeling. It’s a gift to me to feel so good about who I am. (Oh, and he likes it too!)
I never realized in my younger days how much joy I drew from LOVING. I was just too focused on getting loved.
The best part is that my joy of giving love has created an environment of reciprocation in our marriage. My affection breeds his affection. My love breeds his love. And vice versa.
When I wrap my arms around him while he’s lost in his head reading an article, a moment later his arm reaches back to pull me closer in. I lean forward and kiss his graying hair. He tilts his head and kisses my neck. We feel sweetness and love between us. I delight in it.
That's how it works. Loving creates a positive feedback loop. Loving generates love.
So, how can you enjoy the loving more?
P.S. I totally get it if it’s feeling hard to enjoy loving. If you find yourself asking “why should I be the one to give love if he isn’t doing the same?” Or you just feel resentful and frustrated a lot, it’s because something is blocking your ability to love. The result of that will ALWAYS be less love in your life and marriage.
If you want love, affection, and a sense of support to be the foundation of your life with your partner, coaching with me will get you there. Together we will free you from all the blocks you have to love, and create the reciprocally loving marriage you’ve always wanted.
If you're ready for that, email me at hannah@lifeisworthloving.com with “I’m in”, and two sentences about your marriage, and we’ll set up a call to talk about what that will mean for you and how I can help.