When You Are Feeling Discouraged In Love
Updated: Nov 8, 2022
You're likely reading this because you aren't where you want to be right now in terms of how you feel in your relationship. Improving your life isn’t always easy, I know. So I want to share with you some words of encouragement. (And find so much more to make your marriage the loving one you want on my podcast, Highly Sensitive, Happily Married )
Most women I talk to usually know what they don’t want (like feeling hurt and resentful), and have a vision of what they’d rather have (like feeling self-assured and loving), but the gap between the two feels wide and deep. The idea of ever crossing that gap successfully feels overwhelming and scary.
Many brave women do decide that having a loving healthy happy marriage is well worth mustering up the courage and taking that trek to cross it. But often, they find themselves frustrated as they actually begin that journey.
Like a child learning to play the piano, they sometimes can’t stand the discomfort of that early stage when it can feel more laborious than freeing.
They see that secure, loved woman they want to be— are even taking steps towards being— but they haven’t gotten there yet. It feels uncomfortable, dissonant, and discouraging.
I know this feeling! I have been on a serious journey of growth for many years now, and it comes with the turf. So I know exactly how it feels to run into the discomfort and frustration of a big desire not coming easily. Of knowing where I want to be, seeing others there already, and even knowing I'm heading there myself, but it still feels out of reach.
It’s sometimes been so overwhelming that I’ve felt paralyzed by self doubt and uncertainty.
If you have ever felt like that, you’re probably familiar with this line of thinking, “Maybe I can’t do it!” “ I must not be cut out for this.” Or even, “Maybe it’s just about being lucky. I’m not lucky.” Or “ This is too hard. This is too much.”
This kind of thinking is what makes so many of us GIVE UP ON OUR DREAMS. When we believe it’s too hard to change into who we want to be or get where we want to go, we won’t take any actions towards it.
But where will that leave you? You got it. Without ever achieving your dream.
My friend, it's time to put an end to those thoughts! They will not help you get what you want.
If you are down the rabbit hole of “it’s too hard” right now, I want to offer you something that’s helped me so much over the years:
I remind myself, “Tiny shifts lead to big changes over time. Progress not perfection.” And then I look at the tiny shifts that HAVE been happening. I can always find some if I look. (You've GOT to listen to this episode of my podcast: Little Shifts = Big Change In Your Love Life)
The truth is, no big positive change is just an easy snap of the fingers away. Change is an accumulation of small actions repeated over and over.
For example, maybe you want to stop your life-long self-criticism because you know it's hurting yourself —and your marriage.
You won’t likely be able to instantly stop the habit of being mean to yourself in your head. But tiny shifts in the way you talk to yourself in your own head make a big difference over time in how you feel— and also how you show up in the world.
If every day you add a little bit more kindness to your internal dialogue— in a month from now your relationship with yourself will be really different. And in a year?
The good news is that this is actually the way real LASTING change is created. Small shifts, over time. Like climbing the stairs slowly. Until you finally get to the top.
So, who do you really want to be a year from now? You can become her. With her ease and self-confidence, her magnetism, her radiance. Her loving, safe, supportive relationship.
Don’t get overwhelmed by how different that woman is from who you are right now. She is not born in an instant, but progressively. Just start by making tiny changes today, tiny steps from here to there, little adjustments. Over the days and weeks these little adjustments will add up.
Every thing wonderful that I've created in my life came from stepping out of my comfort zone, one step, and then another, all the while staying willing to feel uncomfortable--and never turning back until I had what I wanted.
I promise, it will be so worth it when you wake up one morning wrapped in your partner's loving arms, feeling safe, cherished, happy and deep down good about yourself, and realize: “Wow! I did it! And it feels amazing! I am so glad I stopped telling myself it’s too hard and went for progress not perfection."
So... what little shifts and mini successes have you been overlooking lately because you were too focused on the end goal, too focused on how hard it felt, or too focused on your lack of progress?
P.S. If you really want your marriage to pull out of the hard place it may be in these days, or if you want to take it from okay to amazing, spend some time with my podcast, Highly Sensitive, Happily Married (this episode could be a great starting place and will help you feel encouraged, instead of discouraged about your marriage)!