Why change is hard and what to do about it
If you’ve been listening to my podcast or reading my emails for some weeks or months and you've been having some “aha! moments” and applying bits of what I teach-- and you still haven’t seen the shifts you’d most like to see happen in your marriage, I want you to know this: Nothing’s gone wrong and you are totally normal. You’re not bad at making changes. Nor is your partner uniquely messed up. This is what’s really going on: Change is hard for the human brain. The brain likes to keep things the same (it’s prime motive is to keep you surviving, and to do so it loves to be efficient, i.e: do things as it's always done). Meaning, it will resist growth and change. And it especially doesn’t get on board with change through pure intellectual understanding. Your brain will only collaborate with you to make real in yourself and your relationship when you enlist the gentle yet insistent coaxing of deep visceral experience…. ...Which only comes about through steady sustained application. In other words: from doing the thing. Again and again and again. Most specifically, to improve any relationship, this means DOING the witnessing, questioning, and guiding of your own thinking, and the stewarding of your own emotions consistently, steadily, progressively, in a sustained way --which is how you change your own way of showing up with your partner, and lead the love and support you want right into your marriage. (Want more clarity on that? Listen to one or both of these foundational episodes from my podcast : #5 Lead The Love You Want In Your Marriage, and #33 Where A Culture Of Love And Safety In Your Marriage Begins) This is why I spend months at a time with clients. Because, when it comes to shifting how we feel and show up in our marriage, even if we know that it’s our habituated ways of thinking that are creating a lot of the discord we feel (our own expectations, habits of interpreting, beliefs we’ve absorbed from our upbringing, etc), we often can’t actually see with clarity the specifics of what they are and how they are holding us back --- because we’ve been living IN them. It's like a fish swimming. It doesn't know it's in water. The water has always been there so it is invisible to the fish. Your beliefs and habits of perception that keep you from having the marriage you want are the same… Add to that blindness our brain’s resistance to change, and voila: perfect recipe for staying stuck in stagnancy and feeling like, despite your efforts, nothing seems to be really changing for the better in your marriage.
It doesn’t have to be this way. My clients who have come to me after being on my email list or listening
to the podcast for a while are blown away by the difference that actually working one-on-one with me and my steadfast insistently loving guidance makes for them. The difference is moving out of superficial understanding and into the deep embodied change of: WOW, suddenly things feel light and loving again! Suddenly there is laughter, the sense of loving security in their marriage the’ve always wanted, deepening trust and more open respectful communication than ever before, feeling they “get” their man better than ever, and feeling he gets them more deeply than ever, too, more loving touch and words shared, and a sense of personal confidence, ease, and empowerment that has never been experienced before. . .(Want it directly from their mouths? Here you go!) If you want this, too--to not just TRY to make things feel so much better, but to ACTUALLY MAKE them consistently so much better-- I am here to help you. When you coach with me, together we will get your brain collaborating with you to create the sustained, deep, long lasting changes you want in your marriage. Apply for your consult here. (Spots have been filling up fast lately, and are already gone for August, so apply for yours today!)