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  • Writer's pictureHannah Brooks

There's no external solution to an internal problem

If you're feeling like the love is falling short between you and your partner, or if you don't feel appreciated or valued by your man, I get it.

And I know how frustrating it can feel to try and change it, seemingly to no avail.

ARGH, right?

But here’s the news (both good and bad) that will change everything, if you really hear me on this:

As long as you’re trying to solve for feeling unloved and unlovable by working to get more loving words to come out of your husband's mouth, more deep open communication from him, more interest from him in spending time with you, etc., you’ll be forever hungry for it, forever feeling the lack of it.

Because the source of the problem isn’t his lack of any of those things.

The source of the problem is you not knowing yourself as loved and lovable, not seeing how lovable you are.

This is an internal problem. A brain problem. A perception problem.

Not a husband problem.

It’s all about you — and not him — which is a beautiful thing because it can be solved by you (and never by him)!

When you try to solve that internal problem by getting him to do things for you, you get…weird. You become someone you don’t really want to be:

Maybe it’s criticizing or controlling or being needy. Maybe it’s being demanding and making big fusses over little things he does, creating big arguments that upset you both — when you could’ve just had peace.

And rather than helping, all of these things lead to feeling even more strongly the elusiveness of the love you want — and even less feeling loved. (Believe me, I have been here! And it feels awful and so very frustrating.)

Now, my friend, I want to be clear: this isn't a problem you created for yourself. Instead, it's more of a cultural problem you’ve inherited. A problem created by a society built on a faulty belief system that dismisses and grossly devalues the beauty and power of the compassionate, conscientious, loving heart — the one that you have, dear highly sensitive woman!

So of course you don’t sense yourself deep down in your bones as precious, as cherishable, lovable, as eat-you-up scrumptious, as wrap-you-in-his-arms delightful.

You’ve just naturally taken in — the way you take in oxygen — that you’re too sensitive, not important, not goddess-like.

Now here’s an essential truth you must understand: We get in response from others what we believe about ourselves. We perceive from others what we believe about ourselves.

So when you start to change what you believe about yourself and you recognize yourself as lovable, you will also begin to see others showing you how lovable you are.

Don’t work on him. Stop trying to change what will never solve the problem.

Instead, get to work on the real root of the issue: dissolving anything within you that keeps you from knowing in the deepest corners of your being that you are so-very-cherishable — and the love that you want won’t be able to keep away from you.

P.S. “Yes,” you may say. “I know I need to love myself, to know I’m deeply lovable. I GET that intellectually. I have tried. I just don’t actually know how to really FEEL that love for myself, that sense of being loveable.”

I hear this from so many sensitive women. I used to say it myself. And of course you don’t know how. It’s something that’s only intellectualized in our culture. We are rarely taught to actually EXPERIENCE our lovableness, our delicious valuableness, in a visceral way. When you coach with me, you will learn to FEEL it, to know it bone-deep, and never doubt it again. When you’ve made this big internal shift, the externals of your life will fall into place naturally, shifting everything for the better in your marriage and life. Take it from a client who just wrapped up six months together: “By making the decision to coach with Hannah, I have been able to drastically change my inner life. A counselor usually sees what is going 'wrong' and has never, in my experience, celebrated that which was 'right and extraordinary.' Hannah, on the other hand, focuses deeply on what is good and loving. She really helped me feel the goodness that is inside of me— to know that not only am I normal, but I am extraordinary. Her coaching has helped bridge the gap between theory and implementation (living it out), and by doing so, has resulted in many positive improvements in my life and head space. I raise an imaginary glass of champagne and celebrate myself and how far I have come in just six short months. Infused in my days now is a sense of lightness, fun and laughter. My confidence in my ability to be a terrific steward of my emotions has soared. Overall, I feel more joyful, optimistic, light, and oh so grateful for everything and everyone that is 'my life.'" ~ Client 👉 Get started yourself with a call.


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